Showing posts with label Shaggy dog story. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Shaggy dog story. Show all posts

Wednesday, November 06, 2013

Jesus & St. Peter - a shaggy dog story

By Mona Goldwater, Folk tales Ed.

[quarried from several Internet sites; author/originator unknown]

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. 

St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green. 

Jesus is up next. He slices it.  The ball heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lily pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down and grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole. 

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “or are you just gonna f*** around?”  

Friday, June 08, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 17 - Charlie goes to Vegas

By Jack Brummet, Folk Tales Editor

Charlie is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: “Charlie, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes on for days. “Charlie, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Charlie, go to Las Vegas.” He asks why. “Charlie, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino.  The Voice says, “Charlie, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. “Charlie, take a card.”  What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells the dealer to hit him. Charlie gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Charlie, take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. “Charlie, take another card,” the voice commands. I have twenty! Charlie shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. "Hit me," Charlie says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: “un-f***ing-believable!

Thursday, April 19, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 16 - The Blarney Fisherman

A man was stopped by a game warden with two ice chests of fish, leaving a river well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man, "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"

The man replied, "No, my friend, I don't have a license. These here are my pet fish."
The game warden replied, "Pet fish?"

"Yessir," the man said. "Every night I take these fish down to the river and let them swim around for a while. Then I whistle and they jump right back into this ice chest and then I take them home."

The game warden said "That's a bunch of nonsense! Fish can't do that!"

The man looked at the game warden for a moment and then said, "Sir, it's the truth. I'll show you. It really works."

The incredulous game warden replied, "Okay, I've GOT to see this!"

The man poured the fish into the river and stood and waited for a while. After quite a few minutes the game warden turned to him and said, "Well?"

"Well, what?" said the man. "When are you going to call them back?" asked the game warden.

The man replied, "Call who back?" "The FISH!"

"What fish?"

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 15: The Brass Rat

The Brass Rat

A man walked into an antique shop. He looked around for a while and then noticed a beautiful brass rat. He picked up the brass rat and asked the shop owner how much it cost.

The owner said, "It's $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story". The man paid the owner $10 and left the store with his brass rat.

As he left the store he noticed a little furry face peering at him from the gutter. Then he saw another furry whiskered face watching him. As he walked along the street he began to see rats everywhere he looked. They were coming out of trash cans, running out of downspouts, dropping down from roofs. They were everywhere!

The man began walking faster, hoping to get away from the rats but soon thousands were following him. He started running and tens of thousands of rats followed him, running even faster. He began to panic as hundreds of thousands of rats chased him. As he ran he noticed that he was approaching the river. In horror he saw millions of rats closing in on him and he had no means of escape!

He ran to the river bank and hurled the brass rat into the water. He watched as tens of millions of rats jumped into the water and drowned!

The man was quite shaken by all of this. He ran back to the antique shop and burst through the door. "So," the owner said. "You are back for the story?"

"No," the man said. I was just wondering if you had any brass politicians."

Sunday, April 01, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 14: The Clone

The Clone
There is a serious scientist, a staid and quiet--yeah, stuffy; a stiff-- fellow, who is working hard on perfecting cloning. Finally, after years and years of research, many failed attempts, and numerous disappointments, it seems he has succeeded. A few cloned cells are staying alive and multiplying.  After weeks of watching, the Petri dish is full of stable, living cells.

Months later there is a full, adult human male. He is perfect in every way. He is handsome like a film star and brilliant like a Mensa member. His only lack for perfection is his mouth – he swears incessantly. Everything the clone says is laced with four-letter words and expletives.
The scientist puts up with it as he continues to study the clone in various settings but he is embarrassed every time another scientist visits or assists in his studies. He tries time and again to get the clone to stop swearing but to no avail. He has nearly lost his temper a time or two, speaking sharply at the clone, but try as he might he just cannot stop himself. But the scientist is so mild-mannered he just cannot bring himself to raise his voice, which may be the only way to stop the language.
Some time has passed and the clone is allowed outside. The scientist takes him for a walk near the cliffs overlooking the sea, observing him closely at every turn. The clone has never seen anything like the vast open fields, much less the endless sea.
“#@#*!! Look at that @##@! water! And just #@$# look at all that @$&@#$ grass!", exclaims the amazed clone.
The scientist has had enough. He screams at the top of his lungs, “NO MORE! YOU MUST STOP SWEARING!!!!”
His sudden outburst so startles the clone that he jumps backwards toward the cliff. His foot slips, he reaches for the scientist, but it’s not enough. He falls …falls… to the bottom of the cliff. The clone is dead!
The scientist returns to the lab and calls the police to report what has happened. After investigating the scientist is arrested. But he is not arrested for murder. He was arrested for something else.

He was arrested for making an Obscene Clone Fall.

Friday, March 30, 2012

Shagy Dog Story No. 13: The Big Hole

The Big Hole

Two guys are walking through the woods and come across a big, deep hole.

"Wow," said the first guy, "that looks deep." The other replied, "Sure does. Toss a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is."

They pick up a few pebbles and throw them in and wait. No noise. One guy said, "Jeeez. That is REALLY deep... here... throw one of these great big rocks down there. Those should make a noise."

They pick up a couple of football-sized rocks and toss them into the hole and wait... and wait. Nothing.
They look at each other in amazement. One gets a determined look on his face and says, "Hey... over here in the weeds, there's a railroad tie. Help me carry it over here. When we toss THAT sucker in, it's GOTTA make some noise."

The two drag the heavy tie over to the hole and heave it in. Not a sound comes from the hole.

Suddenly, out of the nearby woods a goat appears, running like the wind. It rushes toward the two men and then right past them, running as fast as it's legs will carry it. Suddenly it leaps in the air and into the hole.
The two men are astonished with what they've just seen. Then, out of the woods comes a farmer who spots the men and ambles over.

"Hey. You two guys seen my goat out here?"

"You bet we did!," one of the guys answered. "It was the craziest thing I've ever seen! It came running like crazy and just jumped into this hole!"

"Nah", says the farmer, "That couldn't have been MY goat. My goat was chained to a railroad tie."

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 14: Hallowe'en

Shaggy Dog Story No. 14 - The Hallowe'en Story

Photo by John Haslam. This work is licensed under a Creative Commons 2.0 Attribution license.

Bob Hill and his new wife, Betty, were vacationing in Europe. They were driving in a rental car along a rather deserted highway near Transylvania. It was late at night and raining very hard. Bob could barely see the road in front of the car. Suddenly, the car skids out of control. Bob attempts to control the car but to no avail. The car swerves and smashes into a tree.

Moments later Bob shakes his head to clear the fog. In a daze he looks over at the passenger seat and sees his wife unconscious with her head bleeding. Despite the rain and unfamiliar countryside, Bob knows he has to get her medical assistance. Bob carefully picks his wife up and begins trudging down the road.

After a short while, he sees a light. He heads towards the light, which is coming from a large, old house. He approaches the door and knocks. Several minutes pass. Finally, a small hunched man opens the door. Bob immediately blurts, "Hello, my name is Bob Hill and this is my wife, Betty. We've been in a terrible accident and my wife has been seriously hurt. May I please use your phone?"

"I'm sorry," replied the hunchback, "but we don't have a phone. My master is a doctor so come in and I will get him." Bob brings Betty into the house.

An older man comes down the stairs. "I'm afraid my assistant may have misled you. I am not a medical doctor. I am a scientist. It is many miles to the nearest clinic and I have had a basic medical training so I will see what I can do. Igor, bring them down to the laboratory."

With that, Igor picks up Betty and carries her downstairs. Bob follows closely behind. Igor places Betty on a table in the lab. Bob collapses from exhaustion and his own injuries, so Igor places Bob on an adjoining table.

After a brief examination Igor's master looks worried. "Things are serious, Igor. Prepare a transfusion." Igor and his master work feverishly but to no avail. Bob and Betty Hill are no more.

The Hills' deaths upset Igor's master greatly. He trudges up the steps to his conservatory, which houses his majestic grand piano. It is here that he has always found solace in times of trouble. He begins to play and a stirring, almost haunting melody fills the house.

Meanwhile, Igor is down in the lab tidying up. His eyes catch movement and he notices the fingers on Betty's hand twitch, keeping time to the haunting piano music. He watches with amazement as Bob's arm begins to rise, marking the beat. Then Betty and Bob both sit up straight.

Igor is beside himself. He dashes up the stairs to the conservatory, bursts into the room, and shouts: "Master, Master! The Hills are alive with the sound of music!"

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 13: The Duck

The Duck

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly And said, "I'm so sorry, your pet has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure? "Yes, I'm sure. The duck is dead," he replied. "How can you be so sure", she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out and returned a few moments later with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys, and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried. "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20. But what with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up."

Monday, March 26, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 12—The IRS Audit, a/k/a gee whiz

The IRS Audit

Alas, The IRS decided to audit Grandpa and they hauled him into him to the IRS headquarters.  The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and says, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The auditor is shaken down to his boots when realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He's nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The  twice burned auditor, is understandably cautious now. But he decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt.  He agrees to the bet.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can't  reach the wastebasket on the other side. He pees all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 12 - Quasimodo

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had just about decided to call it a day. But just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. Incredulously, the bishop blurted out, "But . . . but . . . you have no arms!" "No matter," said the man: "Observe!" And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.

The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. But suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window, falling to his death in the street below. The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."

The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist the bishop continued his interviews for a new bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, "Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch who fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty." The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side. "What has happened? Who is this man?" the first monk asked breathlessly. "I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

Friday, March 23, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 11: The Blind Pilots

The passengers on a small plane are a quite surprised when the pilots arrive.  The pilots walk up the aisle, both wearing dark glasses. One has a seeing-eye dog, the other is tapping his way with a white-tipped cane.

The cockpit door closes, the engines start up. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway.  People by the windows realize they're heading right towards the water at the end of the runway. Panic ensues. Screams fill the air.

At that very moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly.

Up in the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot. "Y'know, Bob," he says. "One day they're going to scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

Thursday, March 22, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 10: The Checkout Line

The Checkout Line

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around. If he stopped, she stopped. Furthermore she kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the checkout, and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease, it's just that you look so much like my late son."

He answered, "That's okay."

"I know it's silly, but if you'd call out "Good bye, Mom" as I leave the store, it would make me feel so happy."

She then went through the checkout. As she was on her way out of the store the man called out, "Goodbye, Mom."

The little old lady waved, and smiled back at him. Pleased that he had brought a little sunshine into someone's day, he went to pay for his groceries.

"That comes to $121.85," said the clerk. "How come so much? I only bought five 5 items."

The clerk replied, "Yeah, but your Mother said you'd be paying for her things too."

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Shaggy dog story No. 9: Moishe and The Pope

Moishe and the Pope: a shaggy dog story

In the Dark Ages, the Pope decreed that all Jews had to leave Rome. The Jews did not want to leave so the Pope challenged them to prove that they could remain. No one wanted the responsibility until Moishe, the synagogue janitor, volunteered.

Since no one else wanted to go Moishe was given the task. Moishe only spoke Hebrew and the Pope did not so it was agreed that there would be a silent debate. When the day of the debate came they went to St. Peter's Square.

The Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground.

The Pope held up three fingers. Moishe held up his middle finger.

The crowd started to complain but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer and held them up. Moishe took out an apple and held it up.

To the peoples' surprise, the Pope announced, "I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay." 

Later that day, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant.

He explained, "First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us."

He continued, "I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions."

The Pope concluded, "I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate."

Back at the synagogue, the leaders asked Moishe what happened. He said, "It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him where he could go and that we were staying right here."

Moishe continued, "Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal."

An older woman asked, "But what about the part at the end?"

"That?" said Moishe with a shrug, "Well, I saw him take out his lunch so I took out mine."

Shaggy Dog Story No. 8: The conductor

The Conductor

The world's best and most famous conductor makes a small mistake while conducting the New York Symphony Orchestra. The audience doesn't notice, the orchestra didn't notice either, but he knew he'd made the mistake and decided that he should retire. Once the performance had finished, he turned and faced the audience and said "Ladies and Gentleman, this is my last performance as a world class conductor. I'm now announcing my retirement."

After a few minutes silence from the shocked audience, and orchestra too, he was greeted with boos and hisses. He walked from the stage, only to be met by his manager, standing in between two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Oh no you don't", his manager said, "you're not retiring."

Forced backed to work by his manager, he endured week after week of conducting he no longer wanted to do. While lying in bed one night with his wife of many years he turned to her and said "Dear, would you be able to get me a small hand-gun?" "Yes dear", she said, and he rolled over and went to sleep.

Sure enough, at his next performance, the conductor began with the small hand-gun concealed in the his jacket. Once the concert had finished he turned to the audience and said "I'm announcing my retirement for the second time. This is my last performance."

The tuba player from the orchestra stood up and shouted "You can't be serious!" The conductor whipped out his hand-gun and shot the tuba player dead. It wasn't long before the police arrived and the conductor was taken away.

Days later, the conductor was taken to court. "How do you plead to the charge of first-degree murder?", the judge inquired. "Guilty your honour", the conductor replied. "Do you realize that the sentence for first degree murder in this state is death by electrocution?", the judge added. The conductor thought for a moment but came to the conclusion that death would surely be better than continuing on like he was. "Yes, your honour", the conductor said.

While being strapped into the electric chair, one of the guards came to the conductor and said, "You may have one last request before we terminate your life. What would you like?" After pondering for a few seconds the conductor replied, "A silver platter with a dozen bananas." His request was granted and the conductor hastily ate the bananas. The room was emptied and the switch was flicked. The conductor's hair stood on end but he survived! As one guard was about to the flick the switch again, he was stopped. "He survived the chair and the law says we have to let him go."

The conductor left the building only to be greeted by his manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards. "Back to work", his manager said. More weeks of forced conducting went by. Lying in bed again one night with wife he asked, "Dear, could you get me a grenade?" "Yes dear", she replied.

At his next performance the conductor waited until the end of the concert, with the grenade tucked neatly in his undies. "For the third time, I'm announcing my retirement!", he yelled. The conductor took out the grenade, pulled the pin, and threw it into the audience. The grenade exploded, killing 23 members of the crowd. The police arrived and he was taken away again.

"You again?", the judge asked. "I thought I'd sentenced you to death not long ago?" The conductor shrugged. "Ok, how do you plead to 23 counts of first degree murder?", the judge said. "Guilty to all counts", the conductor replied.

While the settings were changed to triple the voltage of the current going to the chair, the conductor was granted another last request. "A silver platter with 2 dozen bananas", was his answer. He hastily devoured the bananas, the room was evacuated, and the switch was flicked. It appeared that they'd manage to kill him this time, but their fears were realised when the conductor regained consciousness as they were about to remove his body. His manager and the two gorilla-sized bodyguards were waiting for him and he left the building. "Back to work."

The weeks dragged on and the conductor had had all that he could take. "Dear, could you get me a missile launcher?", he asked his wife as they lay in bed. "Yes dear", she replied.

It was all too much for the conductor and he didn't even wait for the concert to start. "Damn you all!" he screamed. He launched a missile into the New York Symphony Orchestra, killing all 190 odd members. The army was called in this time and he was dragged away.

"You again!?! You're supposed to be DEAD!", the judge roared.  The conductor just shrugged.

"May I ask how you plead for 190 counts of first degree murder?" "Guilty as sin!", the conductor screamed.

"The $@%*&$ deserved it!" The conductor was hauled away.

A public announcement was issued to all local residents warning that there would be a short cut in the power. Meanwhile, the city's electrical engineers were busy re-routing all the electricity they could into the electric chair. Once again, the conductor was granted a last request.

"Three dozen bananas on a silver platter", he said.

He hastily devoured the bananas, the building was completely vacated, and the electric chair was activated by remote control from some 2 kilometres away.

The building exploded, reducing it to rubble. They fished through the ruins to find the conductor's ruined body. His funeral was held some days later. As the casket was being lowered into the grave there was a knock on the coffin lid. Women fainted as the conductor crawled out of coffin - alive!

He was taken to a large press conference. One reporter stood up and asked "You've survived three visits to the electric chair. How did you do it?"

"I've tried telling people before", he said. "I'm just a bad conductor."

Monday, February 27, 2012

Shaggy Dog Story No. 7 - The Prayer

By Jack Brummet, Folklore Editor

[This is a shaggy dog story, collected in the UK in the early, 2000s].

Listening at the bedroom door one night whilst my son said his prayers I heard him say, "God bless Daddy and Mummy, Grandad and Grandma, Uncle Albert and goodbye to Rolf my dog". I thought it a little odd but forgot about it until the next morning when, on opening the door to go to work, Rolf shot past me straight into the road and into the path of an oncoming car. I ran to him straight away but he was as dead as a door nail. I thought a lot about my sons prayer during the day but in the end put it down to coincidence.

A few weeks later I was again listening to him saying his prayers when I heard him say, "God bless Daddy and Mummy, Grandad and Uncle Albert and goodbye to Grandma".

I waited in anticipation the next day to see what would happen. At four o'clock just as I was beginning to think what a fool I was the phone rang. It was my father to tell me that my mother had just died. From that point on I was convinced that somehow my son could foretell misfortune. I made a special point of listening to his prayers every night from then on.

About six months passed, and then when listening to his prayers, I heard, "God bless Mummy, Grandad, Uncle Albert and goodbye to Daddy". I was mortified, scared out of my wits. I dare not confide it to my wife, she would only laugh at me. I had terrible nightmares that night and woke up haggard and drawn.

I thought about staying home out of harms way but realized that if I was going to die it could happen anywhere. On the way to work I took great pains to stay out of danger, keeping well away from the curb as I walked to the station; picking the middle section of the train as possibly the safest if there was a crash; waiting until there was absolutely no traffic anywhere near before crossing the road and the like. I didn't dare leave the safety of the office at lunchtime and sat drinking coffee and worrying myself sick. At five o'clock I left for home taking all the precautions I had used that morning. By the time I got home I was all in, I even had to ring the doorbell because I no longer had the strength left in me to search in my pocket for the key.

My wife opened the door with a scowl on her face and I staggered past her saying "I've had a really awful day, I feel totally drained, physically and emotionally. "My wife replied bitingly "Don't give me your hard luck stories I have had a really bad day, it started when the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep!"

Thursday, January 26, 2012

A Ballard Shaggy Dog Story

By Jack Brummet, Ballard and Nordic Heritage Editor

As you may or may not know, the now trendy hipster neighborhood of Ballard in Seattle was, and to some extent still is, a Norwegian-Swedish-Danish stronghold.  Stan Boreson and others have often told "Scandahoovian" stories and jokes.  This is one:

Ole is the Pastor of the local Norwegian Lutheran Church and Pastor Sven is the minister of the Swedish Covenant Church across the road.

One day they are seen pounding a sign into the ground, which said:


As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells, “Leave people alone, you Skandihoovian religious nuts!”

From the curve they heard screeching tires and a big splash. Shakin’ his head, Rev. Ole says “Dat’s da terd one dis mornin’.”

“Yaa,” Pastor Sven agrees, then asks,Do ya tink maybe da sign should yust say, ‘Bridge Out?’”

Monday, January 23, 2012

Jesus and Saint Peter Golfing

Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up to the tee on a par three and hits one long and straight. It reaches the green.

Jesus is up next. He slices it. It heads over the fence into traffic on an adjacent street. Bounces off a truck, onto the roof of a nearby shack and into the rain gutter, down the drain spout and onto a lilly pad at the edge of a lake. A frog jumps up and snatches the ball in his mouth. An eagle swoops down, grabs the frog. As the eagle flies over the green, the frog croaks and drops the ball. It’s in the hole.

Saint Peter looks at Jesus, exasperated. “Are you gonna play golf?” he asks “Or are you just gonna f*** around?